Plainly Plantains!

Guys,

My chat with Dexter about women and our similarly dismal failures with them has left me more frustrated and depressed than ever. I hereby decide to make public my coinage; our wing, the Plainly Plantains' theme jingle:

One for all and All for One,
We are each plainly a plantain!

The more times I chant this out vociferously, I more I feel like some great martyr wounded in the battlefield, the strength of all his greatness holding him alive in his dying moments...

I have come to love the effect it is creating on me! Ergo, I proclaim and exhort you to shout along:

One for all and All for One,
We are each plainly a plantain!

Yours,
Me

It gives me great pleasure to proclaim to you all that, with the above mail to the group, I have unanimously elected myself as the honorary President of our newly formed club - Plainly Plantains. For those staggering under the newly coined name indicative of a not-so-newfangled ideology which unfailingly captures the imagination of every ineligible bachelor at least once during his bachelorhood, a direct transliteration into a injudicious Hindi-English blend would help! I shall refrain from further obfuscation and not withhold the suspense any longer; for those still grappling with the curious alliteration, it is an injudicious transliteration of 'Only the Kela', popular among the BITSian and some non-BITSian circles.

I must say that the 'Kela' has quite a history. It is something that transcends the ephemeral, extending as it does far into the cosmos, well beyond you or me. The Kela must have had its genesis along with the genesis of man. It existed before you or me and will continue to exist long after we are gone. It will exist as long as wannabe-debonairs like me do! To continually remind us hopefuls of our rich pedigree (the lack of it, of course)! Well, I am not quite sure how the coinage came to mean, rather indiscreetly, a comical snub; the pride-goes-after-a-fall kind of thing. Probably somebody, to his acute consternation, defied gravity for a brief while courtesy a banana peel, before the earth refound her affection for him by pulling him back to her by his collar! All the acrobatics courtesy the peel of a 'kela'. Well, I should think that more than the fall itself, the 'kela' must have implicitly referred to the chin that was worn high which entailed the carelessness and the mishap, not to forget the ridicule. This is the best possible reason that I can attribute to a kela being called so, late in the evening at 5:51 PM!

Well, why ever on earth a kela refers to whatever it does, I am proud to say that I have been one of Life's more favourite sons whenever He has had a plentitude of 'kelas' waiting to be distributed amongst mankind. More so when the kelas have involved women. Life has always had this curious affection for me; I just have to think about making some kind of an advance with a woman, and He appears before me, waiting eagerly with a replenished stock, a basketful of kelas. I have such a regular diet of kelas in the past; I am finding it extremely difficult these days to survive on staple food! Ah! How many women! How many kelas! I am a fish out of water these days; a kela without a peel! In fact, my yearning and unbridled affection for it has made me embark on my autobiography 'Plaintive Platitudes for Plainly a Plantain'! When my wingies also seemed to subscribe, rather vehemently I should add, to views and delusions very similar to mine, I had little hesitation in proclaiming the genesis of our elitist group, Plainly Plantains!

Make no mistake. There are no two ways about it. Plainly Plantains is strictly elitist. To gain admission into Plainly Plantains, scores of conditions have to be met. Firstly, one should have an AGPA of less than 5 from an accredited Ladies Club (again, for those groping with AGPA, it is merely a cumulative Attractiveness Grade Point Average). There is absolutely no compromise on that. Next, one should have a minimum of three references to recommend one's case. To qualify the statement further, the references should strictly be women who have dumped the candidate in the past. A further caveat: the women should have had an opportunity to contend with the candidate's grotesqueness for at least six months before eventually dumping him. The candidate should also pen down a Statement of Depress indicating his chronic depression and disenchantment with life. The more acute the depression is, the better are the chances of admission. Should I even say that Plainly Plantains will always have it's doors firmly shut for the fairer sex. It is exclusively for derelict males. Once the candidate has passed this acid test, he will formally be sworn in to the brotherhood of Plainly Plantains with all the pomp and splendour, with a toast that will celebrate the addition of a new comrade to the brotherhood:

One for all and All for One,
We are each plainly a plantain!

- posted by Dileepan @ 4:04:00 am

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